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Eppler Raises Eyebrows in Congressional Steroid Probe

The Associated Press
March 18, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (AP) Following his March 16th subpoena to appear before the Government Reform Committee, Oconomowoc Five Os outfielder Mike Eppler made certain his appearance on Capital Hill would be a memorable one.

Government Reform Committee chairman Tom Davis (R-VA) had been accused of creating what amounts to a circus-atmosphere through his high-profile subpoenas and use of the media to push his agenda. On Friday, however, clearly it was Eppler, NOT Davis, who was the ringmaster of this Congressional Circus.

Eppler, long-suspected of steroid abuse, began the day in an inauspicious manner by appearing before the Congressional Panel shirtless, with sunglasses perched on his forehead. Before being sworn in, he asked "how long is this [expletive deleted] going to take? I have a tanning appointment in an hour."

When asked if he had any respect for the institution into which he had entered, Eppler responded, "I have respect for one thing, bro, and that's the pursuit of banging broads." He then attempted to get a fist-bump from Curt Schilling. Schilling instead slid down three seats.

Kentucky Republican Senator and Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Bunning questioned Eppler vigorously, at one point saying, "Obviously you have used chemicals to enhance your body, it's simply illogical to assume otherwise."

Eppler evaded Bunning's insinuations, saying, "If a 100% natural gift from God is 'chemical enhancement', then call me guilty. The fact is, I've never used steroids, and I don't exercise. I've never even lifted more than 10 pounds in my life, except when I take a leak." Eppler then winked at a young female reporter, put his pinky and thumb up to the side of his face, and mouthed the words 'call me'.

Eppler was eventually charged with contempt, after telling Senator Davis, "If you don't watch your mouth I'm going to filibust your ass." He is being held without bond, until he apologizes to Davis. Eppler commented that "Davis has about as good a chance of getting an apology from me as Roger Clemens has of pitching to me without suffering crippling embarrassment."

The hearings are scheduled to continue into the evening.

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