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President Bush Appoints Eppler Historic Seat At U.N.

The Associated Press
May 25, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC - (AP) The political world was shaken yesterday by news coming out of Washington. In the wake of the impressive firepower shown in the invasion of Lannon's shores, both the United States and the broader region came to the realization that Five Os Nation could no longer be seen as a mere political entity confined to the southeastern corner of Wisconsin. Effective immediately, Five Os Nation will be seated at the U.N's General Assembly. Under heavy pressure from President Bush, this emerging dynasty was granted a vote on the elite Security Council. In explaining his support for the new nation, Bush replied-"I can only deal with the whiny pacificists in this body for so long. I need a kick-ass ally up there in Oyster Bay the next time we have to go take out a thug dictator. And the troops who overthrew King Koz are who I want in the trenches with me."

Confirming the Administration's view that this new nation will adopt a hard-nosed stance, Five Os Nation selected Mike Eppler to be its voting representative on the Security Council. Protests came from France that Eppler lacked national security experience, but Eppler shrewdly quelled those concerns by announcing the appointment of Gunnar Kroseberg as his top advisor on military strategy.

Given the harsh partisan rancor that dominates Washington, Eppler's seating was surprisingly well-received by Democrats. Hillary Clinton expressed relief-"this is one delegate I can leave Bill alone in the room with." The former president himself was found approvingly checking out the photo album at the Nation's website, and Ted Kennedy said "I can see myself slugging back a few beers with this crowd." The only voice of dissent came from John Kerry, however in the same speech Kerry also expressed his approval of the decision.

Political insiders believe the real reason for Democratic acceptance of this radical move can be traced to one man--Pat Neary. It is long known that the national Democratic Party tacks to starboard based on the winds set by the former high school teacher. Neary was so pleased with the Administration's backing of Eppler, that he was seen outside Roosevelt Field sporting a "Bush '08 T-shirt", and expressing hope that a historic third term could be in the works for the incumbent.

In Neary's recent televised press conference he effused praise over the new team-"I think Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy are going to have to step aside, he declared with affection. Mike Eppler is my man, and if he says we go to war, then I say lock and load."

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