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Record Breaking NFL Contract Makes Eppler Two-Sport Star

The Associated Press
May 2, 2005

SAS FRANCISCO, CA - (AP) Only two weeks removed from the 2005 NFL draft, the San Francisco 49ers shocked many NFL observers on Monday by cutting first overall pick Alex Smith, and signing undrafted rookie free agent and Five Os outfielder Mike Eppler to a 9 year, $227 million contract. There was some speculation that Eppler would be a top pick in the draft, but he hurt his draft status by refusing to work out for any team, punching Mel Kiper during a televised interview, and by going on to say that "the NFL could **** his ****." The fact that he had never played organized football and was seven years older than the second oldest player taken in the entire draft also drew skeptics. But after a top-secret, private meeting with 49ers brass, the contract was drafted and signed within 30 minutes.

The details of that meeting have yet to be uncovered, but Eppler was seen rebuttoning his shirt as he exited the offices. This led to theories that, as he did when signing his record deal with the Yankees, Eppler "put the goods on display".

Eppler has been consistently in the news ever since he was first drafted #7 overall by the New York Yankees at the age of 14. The failure to sign him to a contract left him eligible for the next year's draft, where he has been taken every year since, four times as the top pick overall. Few attempts have succeeded in signing him due to his exorbitant salary demands. Eppler also made news six weeks ago when he was subpoenaed by and testified to a Government Reform Committee in Washington D.C. dealing with steroid abuse in Major League Baseball. His testimony led him to be charged with contempt and a new requirement by Congress which requires attendees to wear a shirt.

Eppler has been a notoriously uncoachable player, and his Yankees career was cut short after he told the New York media that "Joe Torre had **** for brains, and his wife is a lousy lay". The 49ers are confident, however, that they can put a shine on this diamond in the rough.

When asked for comment, the newly unemployed Alex Smith said, "I don't know who this kid is, but he's got a body like you wouldn't believe. In fact, he may be the best natural athlete I've ever seen in my life. As hard as it is for me to say this, I think the Niners are doing the right thing." Time will tell, but it would appear that things are looking up again for this once-storied franchise.

Use this site at your own risk. No personal information is collected. If you have any problems with anything, Eppler will come rip you a new one.
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